Seven Pillows 6 - The Clown Wars

[ismenin]

Yes, I'm here! Bless! fifty two years ago! Third from the right, front row!


Well, my loves. I was in a silly mood so it had to be done - you'll understand that, I hope.

Humour helps in all sorts of cases doesn't it? Like reading. Must read on a daily basis. Essential for me.

So, without further ado, here is Part Six of The Seven Pillows of Wisdom.




In this part Lij and Dom are hopeless with women, and a little dismissive of them. In the next episode, Ann teaches them a thing or two for which they are grateful!

The Seven Pillows of Wisdom 6 - The Clown Wars

It had been more than three squirbs since Prince Liyjah of Djellirole had vanquished the Despotic Tyrant, Vlad the Inhaler, Prince of Ruemania, and the freed peoples of said country were very, very grateful.

Thus it was on the 4th of Jumbluck that a caravan was seen approaching the encampment of Djellirole's King Raybit.

It was an unusual caravan, as it was comprised, in part, of flyingpants - huge green creatures, with long appendages shaped like wings hanging from their heads.

The procession stopped outside the king's tent, and asked directions as to where the prince might be found.

Domrah and Liyjah had not yet risen from bed. Indeed, when Orlando entered to proclaim the embassy had arrived, they were engaged in The Congress of the Rolling Peanut, still not having fully recovered from indulging in the impossible Peck of the Demented Rooster. (See part 5)

"Tell them...they will have to...wait," mumbled Lij through a mouthful of roasted peanuts. "I'm...busy."

"...And...so...am...I!" panted Dom, from beneath Lij - and a pile of scented coromander seeds.

Twenty minutes later, the ambassador was admitted to the tent. He was a short, fat man, dressed in animal pelts, and wearing a fur hat nearly as big as himself. He was sweating profusely, which was not surprising, in the hot desert land where Djellirole was situated.

He bowed as low as his enormous belly would allow, and unrolled a parchment scroll nearly six wimbits long, cleared his throat and spoke in a loud voice. "I am Alksender the Nearly Great; am I addressing the High Prince Liyjah, Saviour of Ruemania? If so, I have come bearing gifts as a token of the gratitude of the Peoples of Ruemania, who, released from the Dark and Oppressive Rule of..."

"Yes, well, thank you, and get on with it!" grumped Lij, who needed his breakfast.

"Very well, Oh Prince of the Light Shining in the Darkness of Despair, The Moon that Gleameth in the..." He caught Lij's eye, and cleared his throat again.

"I bring to you, as gifts, from the grateful peoples of Ruemania:

Twenty hives of Singing Bees.
Seven rolls of the Hide of the Klampatch
Sixty four flagons of Wild Premble Beer
Fourteen tumbling Marmots
Eighteen Rolls of silk from the Knitting Sea-Wirm
One hundred Spears of Tempered Sling-wood
One hundred Bows with Arrows - ditto
Nine mondered Morris Men -
And the daughter of our new king, to be one of your wives. Her name is Ann Drogenous. That is all, my liege.

Lady, come forth!"

Into the tent walked one of the tallest women either man had ever seen. She was undoubtedly beautiful, and very naked; her only ornament being a thick gold and pearl chain set about her waist.

The ambassador bowed, tumbled over into his hat, scrambled out and, pushing it in front of him, left in a hurry.

"I wonder if he sleeps in it?" Dom said, staring after the man. He then turned his eyes on the woman before him, and perused her form carefully.

"Lij," he asked at length, "where is her Longham?"

Liyjah, Prince Of Djellirole, Saviour Of Ruemania, choked on a calendar fruit. "Where is her what, Domrah?"

"Her Longham, " said Dom, pointing to the area where, if she had been a man, it would have been dangling between two springles.

Lij was struck with enlightenment. "Dom, have you seen a naked woman before today?"

Dom thought about it. "Well, I am certain I saw my mother when I was born, but I wasn't really paying much attention."

Lij nodded. "I...see," he murmured. "So, what, in your opinion, constitutes the female form, O Enthusiastic Squeezer of my Longham When You Get Very Incited?"

Dom gave it some thought. "Well, they are like us, but with big, round milk-pouches on the top...there," he said, pointing at them. "But she has no Longham..."

Lij grasped his lover's hand. "That is because women have no Longhams, Dom. They have Yawnees."

Dom stared at the space where Lij had indicated the Yawnee was situated. "Where is it, then - and what does she do with it...?" he was just asking, when Ann Drogenous, lounging against a tent-pole, moved one beautifully turned leg, and uttered a memorable phrase.

"Pisbog crump Incester dong, milly prong?" she said, in a low husky tone.

"Um, me no speekie Ruemanian. ORLANDO!!" Lij yelled.

Orlando came rushing in, and knelt before his master. "Yes, My Lord, and Master of the Swollen...."

"Orli, " Lij interrupted. "Do you speak Ruemanian? I'm a bit lost here."

"Yes, Lord, I speak all seventy-six dialects.

"Well, ask her what she just said, " Lij ordered, thinking of his breakfast, and wanting time alone to explain women-things to Dom.

"Widdle mingle aspop gronge?" Orli asked the woman. She grinned, and repeated her words.

Orli turned back to the Prince of His Heart. "Where do you want me, Big Boy?" he said, winking.

Dom gasped, but Lij was in no mood for humour. "Really, Orli! I have not time to give you a good seeing-to before breakfast! Later, man!"

Orli shook his head. "Not me, O Tumescent One that Lungeth Darkly and Thoroughly in the Night - her!"

"Good grief! By Katlingeth's hairy Rengle! Tell her she can wait until AFTER we've eaten!"

***

"Now, Dom, er..take hold of the, um...milk-pouches...one in each hand, and wiggle them about a bit - as if you're fondling a horse's nose. That usually suffices - well, it does when I do it, at any rate."

Dom, kneeling astride Ann's ample hips, shrugged, and did as he was told. This was all so unfamiliar. The woman was soft where Lij was hard, and wide where he was narrow, and there were, to his astonishment, TWO places where he could put his...

...He lost his train of thought, Lij was directing him again. "Push the foot with the lamp on higher, man! That's far too low. And get inside the legs; you'll never reach from there..."

"Krispon bloomet frond, Mayfrot Crease Capella, plunget min!" the woman panted.

Orli sighed. "Get on with it, Little Fumbling Clown, or I'll finish it myself!"

Dom was not certain what he should do next. Lij had tried to explain things as simply as possible, but it was not easy by any means - and he was put off slightly by the flappy bits, and being told, by Lij, to press a Button he couldn't find. Still, Lij was helping him - had, indeed, assisted him into a very acceptable hardness, so he was, in some sort, prepared.

Dom closed his eyes, thought of Pling-Altar, and plunged in.

"Oooof!" Ann cried.

"Oooof!" Orli translated.

Dom got into his rhythm, and encouraged by Lij's urgent cries, crumpled her frondles. She seemed to like it - she was moaning loudly, anyway, and moving up and down in an agitated manner. Dom wondered if she was supposed to do this. She was turning very pink.

"Rinfred Bufoooon!"

"I'm comiiiing!" Orli offered.

Then a loud cry, a sigh, and Dom was kissed to within an inch of his life, before Lij rescued him from her clutches and told Orlando to take the woman off to the women's tents, have them bathe her, and give her a bucket and a half of rubies - second grade.

After they had gone, Dom lay back in Lij's arms, panting from the exertion.

"How was it, my Little Wriggly Worm?" Lij asked, smiling, and kissing Dom's soaking brow. He was very proud of him, very proud indeed. He had conquered the Greatest Challenge in Shriek Osmosis's Book directed solely at Confirmed Longham Lovers - The Braiding of the Frondled Yawnee.

Dom thought about the experience for a moment. "Squidgy!"

"But did you like it?" Lij persisted, hoping he had not, for he wanted his love for himself.

Dom shrugged. "Was all right, I spose, but I'd rather be with you, my Hard Thrusting Hero. Women are a lot of work."

Lij kissed him again. "Too true, my Only Joy and Delight. But, now you know how to do it, you can help me with a few of the others. Wives number Sixteen and Seventeen still await deflowering. We could take one each, at the same time, too. It's be easier."

Dom sniffed. "With or without the Premble, and the Wingbat?"

"Oh, with, I think. We can't let them think it's always that easy, can we? And the Lamps are essential - never forget it. They expect them. They've been learning to help their chosen Lord to balance them all their lives, and expect you to know how to do so, perfectly. They have never known any other way. After all - they're a different species completely, aren't they?"

"What - Ruemanians?" asked Dom, recovering slightly, and preparing to eat the calendar fruits left over from breakfast.

Prince Liyjah lifted his right eyebrow, and shook his head in disbelief. "No, my Beloved Battling Clown," he said in loving tones - "Women!.

Comments

[mews1945.livejournal.com]

Oh, Issi, you crack me up. This was so funny, from the enormous fur hat that seemed to have a mind of its own, to the crumpling of the frondles, and the conclusion that women are a different species. I loved it.

[ismenin.livejournal.com]

He can crumple my frondles anytime! ;D

So glad it made you smile. xxx

[chicoriumeyes.livejournal.com]

:) Love the pic. Often wish girls still dressed like that, instead of emulating Britney!

[ismenin.livejournal.com]

Yup. Girls in those days dressed like Doris Day!! :D xxx

[verangel.livejournal.com]

YAWNEEs!!! *snorts* OMG this was hysterical. Poor Dom having to experience something so "Squidgy" although he did perform enough to share the duties with his studly "Master of the Swollen...". Orli was so freakin funny. He definitly has Longham respect and adoration for his Prince. I loved his translating "ooof!" You are so brilliant. I run to read this. I read it at lunch (work) and it made me smile and laugh and think lewd hot fun thoughts. hugs you xoxoxoxoxo v

Loved the picture too!

[ismenin.livejournal.com]

Giggles. Hope it didn't cause too much havoc! Hugs ya back. ;D xxx

[http://users.livejournal.com/tweedle_/]

"Push the foot with the lamp on higher, man! That's far too low. And get inside the legs; you'll never reach from there..." *glee* I do love these moments when I pause in my reading and stare off into the distance trying to picture exactly what the hell they are doing. And why do I hear Elijah saying this a la 'Bones' McCoy? :D

'They have Yawnees.' LOL! Oh, dear, I do love this to bits. XXOO

[ismenin.livejournal.com]

Ha! Yes, they have yawnees. Well, it sounded close to 'yoni' to me, but if ya haven't read the Karma Sutra it will mean not a lot!

Bones McCoy! Yes, a good idea. I could hear that, too. :D xxx