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Seven Pillows 4 - Revenge of the Snith
My Lovely Dollses!
Well, my friends, it is 3-45 am, and have I nothing better to do than list this nonsense? Apparently not.
So here - if you are interested - is the Fourth Episode of The Seven Pillows of Wisdom. Yes, well - sometimes, one has to! Giggles.
Happy Saturday!!
The Revenge of the Snith
*Divan or Diwan - In Turkey and other Oriental countries: A council of state; a royal court. Also used by the poets for a grand deliberative council or assembly. --Pope.
Liyjah Abun Raybit Abun Conflict Abun Taste Abun Morbid Abun Clamp Abun Blouse Abun Mufftit, Crown Prince of the Kingdom of Djellirole lay in bed, alone, sad and thoughtful.
His lover and dearest friend, Prince Domrah Kushtie of Pling Altar, had been summoned by his father, King Rootle, to a Secret Conclave high in the hills of Scroot, and was ordered, in his father's message, to go alone.
So, after a passionate but hasty two-minutes-and-twenty-seven-seconds farewell bout of congress with his lover, Domrah had departed with his entourage consisting of forty outriders, twelve guards, fourteen bath-girls and nine cooks, which number exactly constituted King Rootle's concept of the term 'alone'.
Orlando The Amiable-But-Vacuous entered the tent where Prince Liyjah was lying in a silken-sulken huddle upon his bed, now sobbing as if his heart would break.
"He has gone, Orli! He may be away for as long as two night's, his father's letter said. How I will miss his perfectly honed body! The wonder of his left nipple! The droop of his testicles! The cuteness of his ..."
Lij stopped, unwilling to go on. Remembering Dom's perfections was making him horny, and he wanted to be horny with no-one but Dom, these days.
However, Orlando's right knee was very beautiful, indeed, and so was the hair at the root of his...
...Lij wasted no more time. He grabbed Orlando between two trembling hands, and compensated for Dom's absence by engaging in the Congress of the Wonder of the Frosted Parsnip, described, on page three hundred and thirty seven of Shriek Osmosis's fascinating book, 'The Scented Vegetable Plot'. It was a difficult exercise, but not dangerous.
Orli, glancing up at Lij's angry face as the Prince's body slammed into his, was worried. Lij was not himself. He had forgotten to engage the Parsnip.
Soon Lij lay panting, but emotionally unsatisfied, beside Orlando, in the bed. "Shall I leave you, Wielder of the Scrumptiously Swollen Flesh-Sword? Do you wish to be alone?"
Lij sniffed. "He could have taken me. I could have disguised myself as one of the bath girls - I'm pretty enough."
Orli nodded, as he stroked a calming hand down the length of Lij's tense flank. "You are, indeed, Lord of the Pensive Thrust, but remember, bath girls perform their duties naked. You lack one or two of their, um...attributes, as well as having three extra ones that they wot not of."
Lij's lip curled in anger. "I could have stuck them down, Orli, between my legs. My extras, I mean.
Gloop, the High Priest of Uhu is back from the hospital, after all. He could have spared me some glue."
Orlando thought, privately that Gloop - after attempting the Third Position of the Demented Goat with six Phwoarr!!!regs in the No-Food - needed, at eighty nine, all the glue he could get, but said nothing. It was not his place to offer an opinion, after all.
A few minutes later, Lij's father, King Raybit, sent for his son.
"Disturbing news has come to me, Son of The Late Afternoon, from the border guards at Scroot. They say there is a large conclave of tribesmen gathered in the foothills, amongst them - as we know - King Rootle of Pling Altar, and his son Domrah. But also assembled there..." Raybit held up his hand to stop his son's interruption, "...are Botherus of Mood, Prikanus of Charm, and - heavens defend us! - Wobrick of Slimm has brought with him...Horror of Horrors, the Mad, Bad, Sad Vlad the Inhaler! He who would smite us all into small smitten smithereens. Now, my son, what think you of that?"
Liyjah was astonished beyond reason. Why would these kings - all allies of King Raybit of Warn and his country of Djellirole - be meeting with Vlad, the Scourge of the Dessert (No-Food).
"It seemeth to me, Liyjah, that some High Warrior Prince needs must go and search out this mystery. And that High Prince is you."
Lij sniffed as he left his father's tent. His father would not have dared send him had his mother been present. But Queen Afistula was visiting her twenty-third sister, in Bucket, and would not be back for a week.
"By which time, Orli," Lij confided, as the slave packed a small bag of necessaries for his master, "I will probably be dead. I was not invited. None of us Djellirole's was invited. Vlad is up to something, and father expects me to find out what it is. Well, I am an obedient son - I will try, or die in the attempt."
Orli sniffed. He liked his master a lot. He had no mind for the market place, or a new master. He was happy with what he had - Lij, a clean tent, the loan of a piece of Invisible String when desperately needed, and as many carrots and parsnips as he could utilize.
"Bugger it!" he thought, as Lij rode off into the No-Food alone, scorning an escort. "Hope he brings back some rock meringues and calendar fruits!"
***
Dom sat there with his mouth open. Vlad the Inhaler wanted what? He shook his head furiously, his eyes sparking anger at his father.
"Are you out of your mind, Father?" Dom whispered to King Rootle as Vlad was speaking in a loud voice to the Divan in the tent. He also spoke a few words to a lampshade, four chairs, and an occasional table, but the assembled kings pretended not to notice.
"Can you not at least try, Only Fruit of My Withered Loins? It will mean war, else! His army is gathered outside Slimm, and we fear for our lands. He has promised to go to live in the Hills of Shaitanpore, and leave us in peace if you will do this with him."
"But...but...Father! The Peck of the Demented Rooster is the most Treacherous Position in the Book! Even more complicated than the Demented Goat, if not as dangerous. Even Lij and I have not yet attempted it! And Vlad wants me to do it with him? Vlad, who is known to have the Thickest Longham in the Lusty Longham List?" spluttered Dom, aghast. He knew, now - if he had not before - why two of the Positions in Shriek Osmosis's book were labelled 'Demented'. The 'Demented Goat' and the 'Demented Rooster'.
"Yes," Lij had said, only the night before Dom had been summoned away so precipitately. "Demented, because one would have to be out of one's mind to try them."
Rootle stared hopelessly at his only son. "Will you not try, Domrah - for Pring Altar?"
"Bugger Pring Altar!" Dom said, in heated tones, not realising the irony of his words. "No, I will do it for Lij, and Djellirole, for you seem not to care, Father, that my arse might be split in two by this maniac. Look at him! Can you imagine he will have a thought for my comfort during this act, as my Lij would? By the Foreskin of the Camel-God of TRemmiS - you have no care for me at all!" "
"No, my son, this is not true. I offered myself to him, in your place, but he declined. He wants you. I did try."
Dom's heart softened a little at hearing this, and he patted his father's arm. "Very well. Gather the necessary things together! - the Cuckoo Nut, the Balancing Premble, the Beetroot, and the Egg!" he called to the group. "I am willing to essay this and die in the attempt."
Rootle noticed, with dismay, that his son had not said or die in the attempt. He did not know what his wife would say when he returned to Pling Altar with Dom's body. He had read the instructions in the Book, and could not see how it could be accomplished, and both participants live.
Rootle looked about him. Vlad the Inhaler was holding an animated conversation with the very large Beetroot, and the king closed his eyes. He sent up a silent prayer to Megulper, the Goddess of Impossible Things, and, Lo! To his amazement, His Kingness's prayer was answered!
A voice, quiet but deadly, invaded the tent. The Divan looked towards the flap, but the rest of the furniture remained silent.
"Who is it that dares to engage my Chosen Mate in sexual congress Without My Permission? Vlad, be it you? If so, I challenge you - as is my right as the Snith of my Tribe. The Youngest and Cleverest and Strongest of the Forty-Six Princes - to the Duel of the Painted Butterfly, as laid out in the Book of Duels, which I hold in my hand for all to see, and also written, as you must know, by Shriek Osmosis the Triple-Jointed."
There was uproar in the tent. The Divan gathered together, and, after examining the Book that Lij had so providently provided, all agreed that he was well within his rights to fling the Duel at Vlad. He also flung the Book, which incensed the Inhaler further.
"Release your Sprocket!" Yelled Vlad, breathlessly, replacing his pump in his pocket, almost puce with rage - well, more like Heliotrope, really. Turning a confident smile upon his beloved, Lij approached his opponent, and swiftly removing from his wrist a piece of Invisible String, had disarmed and disposed of Vlad the Inhaler in three rather elegant moves.
Lij unwound the String from around Vlad's neck, and rushed into the arms of his waiting lover.
"Oh, Lij!" sobbed Dom, holding tightly on to Lij as he spoke. "You have saved me from a fate worse than death...no, wait a minute, from death!"
King Rootle was beside himself with joy. "Oh, Djellirole, Djellirole, Mighty Warrior Covered in the Custard of Victory, Sweetest and Deliciousest of Princes, Honoured Snith of Sniths, how can I repay you? Anything you want that I own is yours, up to half of my Kingdom!"
Lij, tying the String back around his wrist for safety, thought for a moment. "Well, half of your Kingdom, then, and...and Dom, to boot! I will have him as mine for ever. If he will have me!"
Dom grasped Lij about his waist and drew him close. "I am yours for ever, You Magnificent Mangerer!" he said, dramatically, and swiftly knelt and kissed Lij's foot.
Both men turned to the Divan. "Great Kings," Lij said. "We will never be parted more. And, if Crimplex, the God of Impossibilities allows, we will, in years to come, perfect the Peck of the Demented Rooster, and you shall all be invited to observe it being performed!"
The Kings were amazed and gratified, and talked about it with pleasure, but soon observed that the lovers wished to be alone. Quietly they withdrew, and left the lovers to each other.
Lij looked about him. "We should return to our encampment and my tent - our tent - Beautifully-One-Hung--Low. Then we can celebrate by performing the Snark of the Rabid Peanut, page four hundred and fifty six.
Dom, nodded, grinning. "I am very fond of the peanuts part, as you know, Lij-Master-of-The-Swinging-Singing-Thinging Thing. Let us go, and leave the Divan to discuss the day's events."
The two men rode off into the sunset, and as they travelled, Lij surreptitiously fingered the piece of Invisible String tied about his wrist.
He might capture Dom, tonight, surprise him in the Astonishment of the Runner Bean, instead, and the String would prove most useful in tying Dom's legs firmly to the Sticks. Wonderful thought - Oh, yes!!
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Very fetching.
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I can't wait for the next visit with these two! hugs you tons xoxoxo v
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"Orlando The Amiable-But-Vacuous"
"Wielder of the Scrumptiously Swollen Flesh-Sword"
"I could have disguised myself as one of the bath girls - I'm pretty enough"
Full of gems! As was the Gone With The Wind ficlet :-)
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I was chortling all the way through this, but at that line, I had to stop and catch my breath. Somehow, it just struck me as the funniest thing I could imagine. I love your witty, whimsical, clever dialogue.
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Heliotrope was my mother's mums fave colour. (She died, bless her, in 1920)
She had a big hat (Edwardian times)with feathers, in the shade, and it came out only on special occasions. Hmm. It just came into my mind when I pictured Vlad's face. Perfect colour! :D xxx
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