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For Mewsie!
Our dear friend,
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mews1945 had a nasty experience with her basement steps, and, although she managed to save herself from falling down them, hurt her back and her leg - which she definitely did not need.So, to cheer her - if she manages to get to the computer when she gets up - I offer you the Third in the Series of 'The Seven Pillows of Wisdom', wherein the Position of the Wrath of the Demented Goat is finally accomplished.
The pic in the middle of the story is by
primula_baggins. I adore it. He looks so exotic! Mmmm!PS Sorry,
aussiepeach! I lost your comment, My bad. Sniff. xxxIt is called
Beta-less, and unafraid!
From The Rubber Strop of Omar Kiam (his father sold razors*)
A Book of Verses underneath the Bough,
A Jug of Wine, a Loaf of Bread ( two Cabbages, a Carrot, a Piece of String and a Lamp...if you leave out the Meringue and the Calendar Fruit) - and Thou
Beside me, singing in the Wilderness -
O, Wilderness were Paradise en...OW!
Domrah Kushtie Melamine Crasparian Oblique, Crown Prince of Pling Altar, had been practicing for several weeks. He had sent the slave, Orlando, the Amiable but Vacuous, out that morning to select the two finest cabbages available in the market, and also for a carrot of suitable dimensions.
The Piece of String he had bartered from the Phwoarr!!!reg - a race of nomads not unlike other tribes of desert dwellers, but infinitely sexier - who made the best and softest string in the world, woven out of the scrotum hair of the Invisible Screaming Wimblebear. It had cost Dom sixteen nubile virgins and a bag of gems, but who cared? It was for him, and Lij - Prince Liyjah the Beautiful. And it was all to be used...TONIGHT!!
Dom gulped.
The Three Positions of the Wrath of the Demented Goat were considered the most difficult in Shriek Osmosis's seminal (!) treatise on sexual congress - 'The Scented Vegetable Patch' - and only those with a Longam bigger than eight inches in its tumescent state should even attempt either of the first two.
The Third Position - the most difficult and dangerous - was once attempted by Gormandous the Flatulent, but he had had to be buried in three different locations - after the lamp fell upon his fundament and he lived up to his name - and although all the pieces of his body were eventually found, after the fires from the explosion had died down enough to prosecute a search, surprisingly, no-one had tried it since.
Although he had mastered Position One (one leg behind his neck, the other leg in the air, balancing the lighted Lamp) Dom was having a slight problem with Position Two. He had managed, without great difficulty, to get his left leg behind his neck, but his right leg refused, point blank, to sit properly. He had tried everything - even shouting at it - but his calf remained that obstinate three inches out of alignment, and, therefore fell short of the perfection Dom wanted to share with his Lij.
Position Three ( left leg behind neck, right leg around waist, one lighted lamp balanced on one uplifted hand, and the two cabbages in the other), was beyond him. Dom hoped Lij would forgive him.
"What is His Forceful Thrustiness doing now, Orlando?" Dom asked, looking carefully at the two cabbages the slave had just brought in. The Carrot, too, seemed very...big.
Orlando put the vegetables down on a chest, and smiled at Dom. "The Wielder of the Magnificent Weapon is in a tent with his father the King and Share-Hara's-Yard, O, Lover of Liyjah's Even-When-They're-Wobbly Bits," Orlando grinned. "They said they were not to be disturbed, not even if Vlad the Inhaler invaded with all his hordes."
Dom gasped. Vlad the Inhaler - asthmatic, but ruthless - was the most feared adversary in the thirteen desert kingdoms! It must be important if they do not wish to be interrupted even for him. Dom wondered what they were doing.
***
"A little more to your left, O Mightily-Endowed One," Share-Hara's-Yard (Share for short) panted from above Lij's elegant form.
"What, like this?" he asked, moving the object in his hand and employing the Carrot. "Yes!" she gasped, now totally out of breath.
The king frowned. "I could wish your right knee had been a little higher, O, Firstborn Son of My Desperate Loins, but you still have a few hours more to get it right."
Lij, with apparent ease, lifted his leg that vital last inch, and his father, amazed, gave him a round of applause, and then helped the exhausted conkerbine to her feet.
Share brushed the sand off what was laughingly called her dress (more like 'undress') and Lij stood, too, rather gingerly, but not displeased with himself. "What do you think, father. Will I do?"
King Raybit clapped his son on the shoulder. "You will do, my Son. It was....Magnificent! Dom will be overwhelmed! Now, let us drink sherbet, together, and have a small bite to eat. Not too much, mind you! Do not you forget Gormandous's dreadful fate!"
Lij sat on a pile of cushions and selected a slice of melon. It seemed safest. The king rewarded Share with two huge rubies, and a basket of figs. It seemed appropriate...after the Carrot.
***
Lij had gathered the Witnesses together. The Third Position needed to be seen to be done, for no-one yet had admitted to it - not even Shriek Osmosis, who had, after all, written the book.
So, just after ten past moon-rise, in Prince Liyjah's tent, were assembled Gloop, the High Priest of Uhu, God of Sticky Gluey Things, Prince Arsenole of Kvetch - because he was Dom's second cousin, and moaned continually that no-one ever asked him anywhere - and Biliobar, the Moderator of the Church of Little Furry Creatures of Indeterminate Size, who had once claimed to have actually touched an Invisible Screaming Wimblebear, and was therefore an honourary Phwoarr!!!reg, too.
If these three men attested to seeing Dom and Lij accomplish the Third Position, then they had seen it. Their probity was unquestionable.
Dom was trembling slightly. He had not seen Lij all day, apart from at breakfast, and, although he longed for the sight of his beloved, a frisson of terror invaded his veins. What if...what if...? He knew he couldn't do it - so why had Lij sent for the Witnesses? If his right leg was only three inches longer, he could have...
His train of thought snapped - along with the elastic in his knickers - as Lij entered, accompanied by Orlando and Share. Although, being mere slaves, their presence was not required as Witnesses, Dom felt a little better for seeing them there.
Lij smiled at him, and glanced about the room, noting the position of the bed, the placement of the Lamp, the Cabbages and Carrot, and then he frowned and looked around him, puzzled. Something was missing!
"Where is the String, O Bender Over Anything Available When I Approacheth? I cannot see it!"
Dom smiled. "O, Lover, with the Longest Luscious Longam in the Lusty Longam List, it is wound about my wrist. See?"
Lij threw off his clothing and laughed, for of course, there was nothing to see. But he felt it. It seemed a nice long piece, so he gingerly unwound it from Dom's wrist and began to twist it about his Longam and Orlando tied it carefully behind Lij's back. If he dropped it, after all, there would be chaos. It might take hours groping along the carpets to find it.
Invisible String could be a bugger.
Dom stared. The String was supposed to go around his Thingy, not Lij's. What was happening?
"Trust me, O, Capiscally Capacious One," Lij whispered in his ear, and Dom breathed a sigh of relief. He had never known Lij not to be in charge of a situation. He trusted him with his Life...and with The String.
Then, to everyone's amazement - except Share's - Lij, ignoring the bed, disposed himself upon the floor, put his left leg behind his neck, his right leg about his waist, and put his hands in the air. "The Lamp and the Cabbages, Orli!" he commanded, and Orlando obeyed with speed.
"Wha...?" Dom was speechless, but Lij was smiling at him. "Tonight is for you, and you alone. I offer myself to you, Prince Domrah, in the Third Position of the Wrath of the Demented Goat. Assume the Nineteenth Position of the Sprouting Potato, and take me, Big Boy!"
Dom tore off his clothing, employed the Carrot - with a little help from some grease and Orlando - and sighing with delight, entered the body of his Best Beloved.
There was silence in the tent - apart from heavy breathing from two of the Witnesses - as the thing was accomplished. Both lovers screamed with passion, and, as they panted in release, glued to each others chests, Gloop, the High Priest of Uhu nodded, smiling. "We have seen it done! It was...Impossible, but we have seen it. We are the Witnesses, and Fame will be ours! Come, let us retire!"
Dom and Lij lay spent in each others arms. "O, Beautifullest, and Bendiest of the Bendy Boys," Dom whispered into Lij's long black hair. "You have given me such a Gift. I am overwhelmed!"
Lij smiled. "We will go down in history, my love. The First!"
He glanced shyly at Dom. "What did you think when you saw me...thus displayed?"
Dom swallowed, suddenly shocked. "When I saw your Raspberry Pouting at me, O Mopsically Challenged One, I almost lost my reason. It was all too much!"
Lij kissed him. "Well, it is to be saved for rare occasions only. Later, when we have recovered a little, I have a mind to a safe, sedentary joining in the Confusion of the Mounted Earwig. Will that do?"
Lij fastened the String, for safety, about his lover's wrist once more, as Dom sobbed into Lij's shoulder. The Mounted Earwig was one of Dom's favourites. Honour, Glory and Immortal Fame can be a trifle...exhausting. The Earwig was simple, undemanding, and bloody HOT.
Quietly, wrapped in each others arms, they fell asleep.
Outside the tent, the High Priest of Uhu stole a camel, and rode off fast in the direction of the No-Food but Dessert, to find the Phwoarr!!!reg, and barter with them for a piece of the String. He had also stolen a Lamp, Two Cabbages and a Carrot.
He may be eighty nine, but one was never too old to learn.
* The late Victor Kiam of Remington Razor fame (c'mon, wake up!)
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I'm going to read the story now. I'll be back in a bit.
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Hehe! I love these writings.
"Gloop, the High Priest of Uhu, God of Sticky Gluey Things"
"O, Lover of Liyjah's Even-When-They're-Wobbly Bits"
lol! The names you pick for them are so hilarious.
“left leg behind neck, right leg around waist, one lighted lamp balanced on one uplifted hand, and the two cabbages in the other”
lol! I think balancing the cabbages would be the most difficult thing. :D
Thanks, Issi. You've made me laugh, once again.
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I *do* like the manip, too!!! ;-9
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'O, Capiscally Capacious One'
'O, Beautifullest, and Bendiest of the Bendy Boys'
*glee*
And that manip is something else!
What a wonderful way to start the day. *hugs* and a big one *HUGS* for Rich on his birthday. XXOO
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I'm so glad you enjoyed it. Hugs. xxx
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'Invisible String could be a bugger.' *g* *hugs*
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And that manip is beautiful and very hot.
It's all just delightful, and it made me so happy that you wrote it for me. Thank you, sweetheart. I love it.
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